Nothing drives parents to distraction quite like watching their kids fight. I know it does my head in! Normally when my kids start blueing it's over something that to me, appears completely ridiculous, and it escalates into a major tit for tat blow out rapidly. Here's a few tips for dealing with it that I've heard when talking to other mothers recently.

When we hear our kids fighting our first response is often to dive head first into the fray. We use an adult perspective to right the wrong and then step away, assuming we have shown them the best, most sensible way to manage the situation. The trouble is that kids are not adults so they don't grasp our concepts, they are mentally unable to use adult thought processes to problem solve. So how can we give them the skills to manage conflict whilst honouring their age appropriate capabilities?

Kids have no impulse control until they are in their early to mid twenties, and they have no empathy until they are between three and eight. However simply understanding the concept of empathy doesn't mean they can apply it because in the heat of a fight their anger overrides their empathy, they lash out - act now, think later. It's really helpful to know where kids brains are at developmentally because it means that you work with what they have rather than by trying to override their system with adult thinking. Trying to do that is like trying to play a dvd on a VCR.

Many mothers have mentioned to me the very mainstream "use your words" theory only without saying it quite like that. They ask the children to come to them when they are upset and they feel that their efforts to solve the problem aren't working. Then the mother helps them with some Non Violent Communication techniques. The conversation might go something like this

Mother: It sounds like you're feeling upset because <insert name here> said she doesn't like your idea

Child: (assuming you're right) yes *whine groan whine*

Mother: What if you go to <insert name here> and tell them "I'm feeling really upset because I wanted you to listen to my idea. Can you please listen to me?"

I usually accompany the whiner to the scene of the crime and help them remember what to say, encouraging the other sibling to listen and consider working towards a solution. Normally they are quite happy to enter into negotiations when you encourage them to use words that talk about feelings and needs rather than resorting to poo face. This technique works quite well if you can catch the argument before it goes nuclear.

In order to meet them where they're at you have to help them to become aware of boundaries, both physical and psychic. A fight that starts with a psychic boundary being broken can often result in physical boundaries being stomped on and vice versa. A physical boundary starts where their body starts, a psychic boundary starts where their feelings start. Hitting breaks a physical boundary, name calling and other assorted rudeness crosses a psychic boundary.

Lots of mothers make a time to discuss boundaries with their kids when they aren't angry at each other and the mothers aren't on edge because of the negative sibling dynamic. Explain that when someone says stop, that they MUST STOP. When someone says stop it doesn't mean hit them once more, it means that's it, final, all over red rover. Be aware that you will be explaining this over and over in heated moments, and hopefully in calm moments just for reinforcement.

As with all relationships, siblings go through stages where they get along well and stages where they seem to not get along at all. Remember this because it can help you to maintain expectations that your kids are able to meet more easily. If you expect that some times they will have disagreements it will help lessens your resistance to it, and increases your own coping skills and your desire to work towards amicable solutions.

Hearing your kids fighting can be really unsettling. When you're tired, stressed, driving somewhere, or just when you feel like some peace and quiet, it's irritating to be disturbed by the seemingly pointless noise of your otherwise loving children. If we as parents can avoid being dragged into the spitting, angry quagmire, and act as mediators rather than enforcers of justice and harmony then we actually help show children how to solve their own arguments. They may need to be reminded over and over, they may need us to intervene constantly, but by the time they are adults they will have some good conflict resolution skills!

In conclusion, I think it's important to have realistic expectations of ourselves too. We can hardly expect ourselves to smile and laugh when we are constantly bombarded with other people's fights. It's ok to get upset at it, it's normal to feel angry about it, and it's ok to express that to the kids. It's healthy to do that, and it's healthy for the kids to understand (in their own way) that their behaviour impacts on the people around them. You could perhaps take the opportunity to demonstrate Non Violent Communications skills for them.

Good luck! And remember, a glass of wine is an excellent cure for over exposure to whine.